Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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