how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
