I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
