Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
