I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
BRING THE BAGELS
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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