A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
