Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
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