Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Randomize
