Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
