My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
