either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
