Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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