I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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