My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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