Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
