hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
