im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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