I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
