I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
