I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
