If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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