Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
