I just cut my nipple shaving
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
