The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
