I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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