I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
