I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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