what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize