I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
