Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
