You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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