I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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