Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
