sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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