He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
