Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
