dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
