I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
