just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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