She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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