I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
