my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
