could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize