Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
