My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
