Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
