You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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