i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
