Got a toothbrush?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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