Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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