upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's shark week go big or go home
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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