nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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