I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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