It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize