I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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