A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
